Heard and Seen

When you are heard and really seen by someone, it helps change the feelings running through you. I’ve learned through the years that what I write about or share isn’t always easily digestible. Whether you relate or could care less, has been something I think of all the time. I think about it because I want to be believed and seen because no matter how much time has gone by it will be part of my story. I recently watched a movie that sent all those shock waves again through my system. The ending was the hardest for me. Women finally having the courage to break their silence and let down that veil they have hidden behind for years, in fear they too would not be believed or heard. It hit me especially hard when one of the women speaking was my age. I have written and I have shared. I have treaded lightly with my words in order not to hurt others involved. It’s hard to be triggered and have to work through those moments and still want to hide that part of you because you have worked really hard at the person you have become. You can heal and continue to heal and still be triggered. You can watch a movie or hear a song and still be triggered. Does it make you an unhealed individual and someone stuck in the past when someone makes a comment you should be over this by now? Now you know that is victim blaming on their part. Do not believe that. And that is triggering to hear from others. I wish I had the magical written paragraph to make all the pain go away for those who have experienced any pain or trauma or abuse in their lives, but sadly I don’t. What I give back with is letting anyone know they are not alone. I hear you and will see you through triggers and emotions surrounding what happened to you. I made that promise to myself many years ago that I would help in any way I could. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and if you know anyone experiencing this in any form, please allow them to be heard and seen by you. Thank you. 

#enddomesticviolence

#believe

#educate

#youarenotalone

No Expectations

“There are no expectations. There are only wants. And I want to feel life again with eyes wide open and arms to wrap around and hold tight”. ~SF~

I wrote this many years ago and like all good things about the internet (insert sarcasm), it reminded me of it this morning. 

This was a very hard lesson to learn along this journey of life. I have always had high expectations of those around me, of any endeavor I was involved in, and in myself. I hate to say that all of the above have failed or disappointed me, but it is a sad truth. Along with everything else, I had to learn and unlearn a lot of things that were truly disrupting my life in such a way that my expectations were annihilated. I began to feel nothing. That numbing phase. That “if I just keep to myself it will go away” phase. I lost myself in those thoughts but there were a few in my life who wouldn’t let me stay there. I also posted a quote on Facebook the other day saying “I am where I am because other people helped me. For that reason I will never stop helping other people”. This was a turning point for me when I let go of expectations and said to myself all I wanted was to feel life again. There was a lot of rewiring that needed to be done. Even though I’ve done this “inner work” a day doesn’t go by that I don’t have to remind myself that life is very short and the best day is always a day you get to have again. 

I had a conversation the other day with a very special woman in my life. I have known her since she was three years old. She has had many challenges in her life, really hard ones. And she agrees that a new day is a good day. She too wakes up everyday and checks in on herself. It’s not a reflection of who you are. It’s self care and we all need to do that. 

I do go about life now with my eyes wide open and my arms are always ready to wrap around and hold tight. And I always want the good in all situations but know that if it doesn’t always happen, tomorrow is another day.

You know what I’m sayin? You know what I mean?

The conversation will never change if more people turn a blind eye and a deaf ear on inappropriate comments and gestures. Saying she/he deserves it because of the way she/he was dressed, just to get your dibs in, you know what I mean, just sayin’, starts off the incident being discussed as unbelievable and marks the woman/man, as easy, a slut, dirty. She/he did something to deserve it. You know what I’m sayin? You know what I mean? It makes me ill. Unless you have worn these shoes you have no idea what we’re left with. Until the conversations from the very beginning change, the victim will be forever looked at differently than they actually are. Words create doubt in ones mind. The wrong words form judgement and literally heartache and shame towards the ones who have stepped forward with this admission. Whether it was sexual assault, verbal assault, psychological abuse, narcissistic abuse, plus more, the conversation, from the very beginning, must begin to help, not to hinder in the recovery of the victim. NO IS NO!!!!!! You are not alone.

Truths

Knowing your truth, speaking your truth, writing about your truth, it’s all very difficult. Usually, with me, the easiest, but not always the case, is writing about truths. It took time to know and learn my truths and even longer to speak them. I’m not going to lie, I have avoided speaking or writing about some of them. It may be to protect myself and those close to me. Or that speaking them or writing about them just brings up too much. There are also things that got so pushed down into my psyche that when they have come to the surface my soul said to give myself a rest. It’s uncomfortable to be someone that wants to change the dynamics of what is perceivably wrong in society. But at the same time it enriches my life when I know, even if it’s one I might help, that being uncomfortable is necessary. There is a level of pure honesty that some choose not to approach because of how it feels. I’ve been there and still am there depending on circumstances. This is not about how brave I am or how strong I’ve grown through this. It’s not about how much I’ve done to help or places I’ve been to spread awareness. It’s about being raw. It’s about being vulnerable. It’s about standing here with tears streaming down my face and hoping society flips its script. Wishing for better outcomes with politics, healthcare, cures…..that the one person I may inspire will take what I say or offer and put it in the right hands to set off a ripple effect that will change everything. I know, convoluted truth? My truths nonetheless, plus some. I know my truths but may not always speak them or write about them but they are still mine. And there is this thing about digging for answers or questioning things, eventually it all reveals itself and the soul will say….it’s time to speak and write them into existence. ~Eileen

Scars

As I run my finger across the scars, let them serve to remind me of the wounds I have healed. There is beauty in the imperfections. Let it be said. Let it be done. So may it be. Aho

Advocacy and Compassion

What do you think it is to be a victim? Do you think it’s someone who spews self pity for themselves and lives in a state of drama? Or do you lean on the side of compassion and look at this person and say “I understand” “How can I help you?” Having been a victim and now a survivor, living in both worlds is equally as difficult. You claw your way through your days when in the victim role. And when you are a survivor it does not become all sunshine and roses. You now claw harder and dig yourself up harder each day. Both require a lot of courage and strength. I do not judge anyone that comes to me in either states. I listen. I’ve been there. I can relate. I’ve chosen to step into the role of advocating for victims and survivors of Domestic Violence, as well as other circles, because I know what it takes to claw your way back to a better life. I know how hard it is to have a voice, so I’ve chosen, once I found my own voice, to become that for others. I wear many hats in this role of advocacy. The one common denominator between everything is compassion and belief in others. The stronghold when the link is weak. The arms to lift someone. The legs to walk that extra step for them. I’ve chosen to rise above so I can be there reaching for their hand. You may know me but to really know me is to understand that there is many facets to who I am. It does not mean I’m an indecisive person. It means I continue to seek ways to help others. Every tool in my tool belt called life has helped not only me but others. You can put me in the middle of anything and I will find my way out. I will also be the one dragging someone with me if they are struggling. Advocacy and Caregiving run through my blood. I watched my mom care for everyone. I learned from the best. This road I’m traveling is never ending. Each journey is just that, a journey. No destination. Just a continuance of the many roads we must go down in order to secure a better life for all. Cures, treatments, education, prevention, food, physical fitness. Advocacy. The many things this world lacks and needs more of. Helping others and loving them through it all. Can you do that? I can. It’s just a no brainer for me. It’s second to loving yourself.

The Unending Chapter

Crashing after a very long day of playing a small part in what I love. Being with those I love. Praying each time out that we get closer to ending this battle and learn more to keep moving forward. Educating myself and educating others to ease their minds through their own journey. Sometimes it’s a lonely road and sometimes it’s a road I choose above all else. It’s not easy but it’s also not hard to throw myself into the arena when all you want is better for others. Lying here thinking that there are still those that don’t understand why I do this. Hoping one day they will step back and take a good look at the meaning behind it all. But if they don’t that is ok. We all have our own journey to follow and as long as there is still support from others there is a fighting chance to make things better. Heartache still surrounds me but how I love will never leave me. Thanking all for their support and keeping everyone else in thought and prayer. This day may have come to an end but the fight is unending until we raise that flag of victory.

The Temple Project – Pilgrimage to Enlightenment

People from all over have joined this army. People I would never had met if it wasn’t for this project. Each one with their own stories, their own reasons. In a spiritual sense there are moments when you’re all together and each others energy keeps you moving, walking, climbing. Your intuition becomes heightened. Your compassion doubles. And then someone throws you a life line. You see we always have each others backs. You stumble, I reach for your hand. I stumble, you reach for my hand. You’re struggling, we talk. You need to slow down, we slow down. This is what it means to be an advocate who undertakes a particular event or project. You wrap your heart around it. You bleed, you push yourself, you stumble, you make mistakes, you get back up…….you never give up. You just never give up. The story continues……… ~ Strong Feather
#TheTempleProject
#PilgrimagetoEnlightenment
#10Mountains10Years
#Alzheimers
#Parkinsons
#Advocate
#StrongFeather

Meditation or Fight or Flight

In today’s world we experience a lot of turmoil,chaos and drama almost on a daily basis. If your energy body is sensitive to all of this you will know of fight or flight or PTSD or depression. It doesn’t mean everyone with sensitive energy bodies do, but I’m basing it off the ones who do. Being an empath and an intuitive I have to protect my energy every day because I am sensitive. I used to think being sensitive was being weak. It was a sign that I couldn’t handle situations. Until I knew better I struggled. I have been this person since I was a little girl. I was called a cry baby and overly sensitive and even told if I didn’t buck up I would be alone. When I was in my 30’s I became acutely aware of my energy and how it affected me in situations that were occurring with me that I felt I had no control over. This is when the flight or flight began for me. It’s a horrible feeling when it happens. You want to crawl out of your skin, literally. I began studying because I always need to know the why’s. I began to meditate. It wasn’t really doing much for me. I still didn’t know about protective bubbles or grounding yet but that would come into play soon enough because the fight or flight modes were happening way too much and I just couldn’t handle it. I had children to raise and parents to take care of.

The fight-or-flight response (also called hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon.

The martial arts came into my life, which again introduced me to breath work, meditation, grounding on a level of deep intensity. I was more interested in the philosophies of the art I was studying and how the warriors before me handled themselves AFTER a battle. I trained, I went up the ranks, obtained my 2nd. Dan (degree black belt). I became empowered as a woman at this time in my life, that the fight or flight incidences were becoming less and less. I needed more. My heart was with the Ki Gong that I learned. A healing energy modality offered to students of the martial arts I belonged to. I would then begin my journey into energy medicine. My healing journey would also begin.

As time passed, other things in my life would perpetuate this damn fight or flight, that I sought counseling for it. It was high level counseling for me and specific to what was my life at the time. Along with depression came a diagnosis of PTSD. Why? That’s all I kept saying to myself. Why? Again I immersed myself into studying and finding a way back to myself. I’ve never been a quitter and will never lay down to anything happening that isn’t good in my life. I have to find out and find out I did. It was not an overnight fix or a 4 lessons and you’re free. No. It’s been an ongoing work in progress of healing and staying on tract from this cruel and chaotic world we live in. The total holistic approach I took would also be the best thing I ever did. It is also about meditation and breathing through moments. It is about grounding to mother earth and loving life large even when you feel small or unaccepted. It is about love of self even when you don’t feel like you’ll ever be loved again like you know you can love. It’s about believing in yourself when you still question “why me” or “not again”. It’s about taking that leap of faith and leaving it in the hands of a divine power that we cannot see but we can feel when it’s right. It’s about YOU and all you’ve done thus far in your life. Meditation will help you battle those demons and slay those dragons. So like the motto “Choose Life” add “Choose Meditation”. Don’t venture back into depression or the fight or flight mode. Now, again, I’m not saying meditation is the end all either. You have to commit to your health and well-being. You have to want to get passed all that this chaotic world dishes out. Diet, exercise, belief belief belief in YOURSELF!!!!! You got this. If I got this, you can get this and if you need any help you know how to get me here. Peace, Love, Compassion, Gratitude and Deep Love.

In a constant state of Gratitude,
Eileen

On my Own

I’ve decided to take time to immerse myself in my feelings and emotions of what it has been like to be on my own. After almost 30 some years I have always had a significant other. I’ve been married, divorced, married again, in a 5 year relationship and now on my own. My second marriage threw me in the confines of an abusive marriage. My 5 year relationship kept me tied to a narcissist who played the soulmate game so well that it’s hard now to think I will ever meet someone that will be honest. But I’m not one to sit around and not learn the reasons why I have fallen so many times into the wrong relationships. Knowledge on many subjects has kept my head above water and ultimately my soul intact so I could move forward. My children have been my constant. It goes without saying. I live for them. They are all adults with lives of their own and that leaves me alone most of the time. I work and do have friends. I do socialize and go places. In the 2 years and 9 months that I’ve been alone I’ve accomplished alot. I pulled myself up from a near nervous breakdown and/or heart attack. At least that’s what the doctor in the ER told me after my fourth trip there that turned out to be a severe anxiety attack and not a heart attack. He said if I don’t take control I will wind up with a heart attack that could potentially kill me. My vitals were off the chart and he wanted to sedate me but I said no. An emphatic NO as my son was holding my hand sitting next to the bed. I looked at him and then at the doctor and made the promise I would get it controlled. This was just 3 months after the 5 year relationship ended.

The journey I have been on to recover and heal from this last relationship dredged up alot of unhealed stuff from the abusive marriage. The two not quite the same but clearly both abusive. I asked myself the questions that were difficult. I listened to others opinions. I went back to meditating and yoga. I was working full time. Then one day I decided I wanted to go back to school. So I enrolled into Massage School and went for 15 months and graduated. Within that 15 month immersion of studying I was also healing. My mind was becoming more clear as to what direction I was going in. There was one other thing I needed to do but I was very apprehensive because the pain in my heart and soul was still very much there and fears were still coming up. A visit occured from two very close friends of mine who I hadn’t seen in quite some time. The conversations that were had would throw me once again into an arena that I had been away from for several years. Advocacy work. The project that I had been involved in since 2006 was coming to an end and I was asked to be a part of it.

This past year now I have been preparing mentally, physically and financially to make this a reality. And again, in this past year, it has allowed even more healing to occur. I have done this alone. I do have the support from those around me. My boys, my friends. But it is a deep decision to make to pull out all your cards, lay them on the table, commit to the project, train for it, and then book the trip. Fears and anxiety has resurfaced but I have a better handle on it. Things come up. I feel it, cry through it, and then release it. It takes time to be able to do anything you set your mind to. Have I made a conscious decision be be on my own? To not have a soulmate/Beloved? To be alone? I guess some will think I’m wallowing in self pity here but I’m not. This is what I’ve learned……….

I am right where I need to be at this moment in time. I am never alone because I have been given the most wonderful children and the greatest of friends. Society looks at you and assumes being single means something is wrong with you. We all have stories. Some learn from mistakes and some continue to make the same mistakes. But it is not for me to judge anyone and their life just like I don’t want to be judged either. My advocacy work takes precedence right now because of the intensity of the project and the training involved. If someone came into my life right now they would have to be on board with that. I am no longer tied to the things I used to be tied to. I have always had a free spirit and now I am totally free. My mind is free from the fears, the anxiety, the abuse, the toxicity of an abusive/narcissistic relationship. I make my own decisions. In June I will go on a Pilgrimage in Italy of 100 miles in a ten day span. I am part of a team of advocates fighting for cures and research for Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s Disease. This is not my first. I’ve climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro, Mt. Hood, Mt. Washington, with them. I have walked advocating for Breast Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Domestic Violence, Suicide Prevention. Being called up after several years away has given me a new lease on life and a continuance of my healing. I may be on my own but I’m alive and that was the promise I made to myself, my son, and that doctor in the ER that night. Everyday you must wake up and say thank you. Thank you for another day. Thank you for perseverance. Thank you for strength and courage. And thank you to all that love you unconditionally.